Paper Mogul Sports
Derby · Season 1 · Round 33

The Wall — Team Pack Race

The Board Track · The Wall · 101 m · 16 competitors Steep banking
FULL TIME Fairness
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Carnage — Old Gristle survives to win

Old Gristle took The Wall — Team Pack Race for the Lump Patrol. Crooked Pete finished second. 11 competitors failed to finish. The Noodles took the team honours.

#CompetitorTeamTimeGap Grid+/-ContactsTop speed
1 Old Gristle LMP Lump Patrol 3:04.833 11 +10 39 13.3
2 Crooked Pete NOO The Noodles 3:14.925 +10.09 1 -1 12 11.4
3 Butter Bean BEA The Beans 3:16.567 +11.73 6 +3 42 11.6
4 Second Sock WET The Wet Socks 3:19.475 +14.64 4 0 17 11.1
5 Tube Sock WET The Wet Socks 3:20.850 +16.02 3 -2 14 11.5
Floppy Joe WRECKED NOO The Noodles 2 -4 12 11.2
Lil Nugget WRECKED NUG The Nuggets 9 +2 33 12.5
Slapper WRECKED PCK The Pucks 13 +5 29 12.8
Refried Ron WRECKED BEA The Beans 5 -4 14 10.9
Custard WRECKED SFT The Soft Boys 16 +6 27 12.2
Chunk WRECKED LMP Lump Patrol 12 +1 22 12.4
Thick Rick RUNNING NUG The Nuggets 10 -2 22 12.0
Puck Yeah WRECKED PCK The Pucks 14 +1 14 12.7
Pilot Light WRECKED HEA Basement Heat 8 -6 12 11.0
Radiator WRECKED HEA Basement Heat 7 -8 13 11.3
Squish WRECKED SFT The Soft Boys 15 -1 13 12.2
2.250
Up it goes. Recent finishes: 3-4-4-14-8.
7.150
That has come off. Recent finishes: 8-7-12-6-6.
11.808
Thick Rick leaves something behind. Recent finishes: 2-3-16-3-13.
16.850
Absolute carnage. Recent finishes: 5-2-4-5-3.
21.108
Extraordinary scenes. Recent finishes: 1-1-1-2-1.
26.325
That was always going to happen.
30.642
Somebody is going to have to sweep that up.
37.417
That is a long way off the ground.
41.767
Oh, that is a big one.
46.300
Radiator has nothing left on it.
52.750
Oh, that is a big one.
55.900
Squish is out, and Refried Ron did it.
1:01.342
There is nothing protecting Puck Yeah now.
1:02.842
Wrecked, and out of the race.
1:08.425
That is a long way off the ground.
1:13.083
Pilot Light is in trouble.
1:15.025
Pilot Light will not be back.
1:16.525
Puck Yeah will not be back.
1:21.025
Chunk is airborne!
1:22.525
Chunk is out, and Butter Bean did it.
1:28.025
Up it goes.
1:32.592
There goes a piece of Floppy Joe.
1:39.050
A new leader — Slapper.
1:43.708
Somebody is going to have to sweep that up.
1:45.542
Custard will not be back.
1:50.300
You do not see that every day.
1:52.025
And that is Slapper finished.
1:53.525
Refried Ron is out.
1:58.592
Extraordinary scenes.
2:06.058
There goes a piece of Floppy Joe.
2:07.725
Lil Nugget is out.
2:13.358
Stripped to the shell.
2:25.475
Crooked Pete has nothing left on it.
2:37.092
That is a long way off the ground.
2:50.842
One to go.
2:56.075
Floppy Joe will not take much more.
2:57.575
Floppy Joe is out.
3:01.833
Old Gristle is coming to the flag.
3:04.833
Old Gristle takes it!
SectionSurfaceLeader at exitElapsedFastest through
Smooth Descent Boards Squish 14.758 Squish 14.758
Smooth Descent Boards Lil Nugget 29.342 Puck Yeah 13.809
Smooth Descent Boards Lil Nugget 43.575 Slapper 12.208
Smooth Descent Boards Slapper 58.192 Slapper 13.692
Smooth Descent Boards Lil Nugget 1:12.442 Lil Nugget 12.459
Smooth Descent Boards Lil Nugget 1:27.475 Slapper 14.000
Smooth Descent Boards Slapper 1:44.492 Slapper 14.609
Smooth Descent Boards Lil Nugget 2:00.308 Old Gristle 14.817
Smooth Descent Boards Old Gristle 2:21.992 Tube Sock 16.208
Smooth Descent Boards Old Gristle 2:35.742 Old Gristle 13.750
Smooth Descent Boards Old Gristle 2:50.842 Old Gristle 15.100
Smooth Descent Boards Old Gristle 3:04.833 Old Gristle 13.991
#TeamScoreFinishersPoints
1 NOO The Noodles 8 1/2 8
2 WET The Wet Socks 9 2/2 7
3 LMP Lump Patrol 12 1/2 6
4 BEA The Beans 12 1/2 5
5 NUG The Nuggets 19 0/2 4
6 PCK The Pucks 21 0/2 3
7 SFT The Soft Boys 26 0/2 2
8 HEA Basement Heat 29 0/2 1
Pack races score the sum of a team's best three finishing positions. Lower is better.

Race card

16 declared
3
Crooked Pete The Noodles
12 starts, 1 win, average finish 8.5. Last five: 2-13-15-5-13.
49.48
12
Floppy Joe The Noodles
7 starts, 0 wins, average finish 8.4. Last five: 11-3-3-15-8.
43.02
11
Tube Sock The Wet Socks
15 starts, 1 win, average finish 6.0. Last five: 10-1-6-7-4.
6.57
2
Second Sock The Wet Socks
12 starts, 0 wins, average finish 5.2. Last five: 4-4-2-4-7.
2.97
5
Refried Ron The Beans
13 starts, 0 wins, average finish 12.6. Last five: 13-13-11-12-15.
219.30
22
Butter Bean The Beans
14 starts, 0 wins, average finish 9.1. Last five: 15-3-8-8-7.
37.98
4
Radiator Basement Heat
12 starts, 0 wins, average finish 12.8. Last five: 9-16-14-15-15.
219.30
9
Pilot Light Basement Heat
13 starts, 0 wins, average finish 12.6. Last five: 13-15-12-9-14.
219.30
0
Lil Nugget The Nuggets
13 starts, 0 wins, average finish 9.6. Last five: 12-9-8-15-14.
89.58
33
Thick Rick The Nuggets
11 starts, 2 wins, average finish 6.7. Last five: 11-7-6-1-7.
14.88
44
Old Gristle Lump Patrol
16 starts, 3 wins, average finish 4.8. Last five: 1-4-5-2-7.
2.83
5
Chunk Lump Patrol
9 starts, 0 wins, average finish 10.0. Last five: 7-13-11-4-13.
121.02
8
Slapper The Pucks
16 starts, 1 win, average finish 7.7. Last five: 5-8-10-11-3.
22.48
69
Puck Yeah The Pucks
7 starts, 1 win, average finish 12.7. Last five: 1-12-14-15-16.
219.30
2
Squish The Soft Boys
12 starts, 0 wins, average finish 10.9. Last five: 12-15-8-12-9.
219.30
21
Custard The Soft Boys
10 starts, 1 win, average finish 6.6. Last five: 9-3-5-10-3.
11.78

Course preview

4 sections · 101 m
Smooth Descent Smooth
16m ↓15°
Smooth Descent Smooth
35m ↓15°
Smooth Descent Smooth
16m ↓15°
Smooth Descent Smooth
35m ↓15°

A velodrome that took a wrong turn somewhere and never came back. Twenty-six degrees of varnished pine holds the entire field at exactly the same radius whether anybody likes it or not, so the only way past a rival is straight through them. Nothing here chooses its own line; the banking chooses it, and the banking has no favourites and takes no notes. The boards were reclaimed from a real velodrome in 1991 and still carry the original lap markings under the tyre rubber, which no competitor has ever had a spare moment to read.

On the record

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